Its Day 4 of the reset. These days have been tough, but not in the way you might suspect. The food has been tasty, the meals of a good portion and the 5 hours between meals haven’t been as hard as I thought they would be.
But thats only when I am having a good day.
Yesterday was not a good day. Today is a only marginal improvement.
So the cravings have followed. Yesterday it was chocolate and brownies. Today it was hotdogs and sausage rolls.
I don’t need these things, I am not hungry but they would make me feel so much better.
If it wasn’t for this reset, I would be in the shop right now stuffing my face. And it would be good. And I would convince myself that it made me feel better, even if it didn’t solve my problems.
But what’s happening underneath the surface, is that I am using food to numb my emotions. When I get stuck on the ability to make decisions, when I have tough conversations with people, when I get frustrated, when it feels like the world is against me. Yay food, you are there to save me!
Let’s truly be honest here. Its not that crap things are happening right now, it’s that I am too embarrassed or proud or ashamed to talk to someone about them. Given my hotdog desire, its probably all three.
The thing is, the only real solution to this is to do the one thing that is the scariest. To talk to someone about what’s going on. To tell them the full truth about my fears and be vulnerable with me. Even if that results in tears (from me).
I have been speaking to people whose opinions matter to me but I have been holding back. I have not shown them the full space of my vulnerability, of what is going on underneath the surface. God I am inwardly cringing at how hard that is going to be.
Bah! Life is so much easier said than done. If only eating or crawling into a corner was a suitable solution. (Let’s be honest, we have both done those things and neither got us any closer to getting what we want – if only).
Thankfully my chicken salad is only 45 minutes away. Don’t worry, I will be back with a vulnerability update tomorrow. 🙂